Mary Celeste or the Titanic…disappearing or sinking fast

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Well what can I say I am still on the dating scene and it continues to be a veritable barrel of laughs. Only this morning I woke up at 6am with blurry eyes to a picture of a penis. Now there are several things wrong with this……

A. it was not requested

B. If you are going to show your wares at least make sure what you are offering is of a good standard

C. I had just woken up to what initially I thought was a strangled turkeys neck

D. I am now feeling slightly traumatised nobody wants that on a sunday morning.

Do men really think this is what women want to see or am I old-fashioned and believe that unwrapping your proverbial presents before christmas some how spoils the surprise factor. To say he sank faster than the Titanic is an understament. Thank goodness for the facility to block people.

My next delight of the day seemed promising entitled Looking for my princess…for those who know me you may well be laughing at the idea of me being a princess but one can only try to deluded oneself. Intrigued I read on. His selling point was as follows ” I sleep loads, do nothing and looking for a woman who can cook and clean”. His private message to me was as follows “What can you cook for me”? This very nearly sold it to me and the temptation was massive NOT!!!!!  Now I have reflected on his stereotypical view of women and noted that I do indeed have small feet, size three to be exact. However this is not an evolutionary trait in order to facilitate me being able to get closer to the sink. He clearly missed the blurb where I defined myself as a strong-willed, independent and career minded woman. I jumped overboard on this one without a life preserve as I thought drowning would be more preferable.

It is not all bad news though I managed to have a couple of very nice dates with a man called Gavin. He was not sleazy, did not want a servant and no pornographic pictures were sent. We appeared to get on well, no awkward pauses, similar interests and whilst he was not dynamite from an intellectual stimulation point of view he did not send me to sleep. He asked me for a third date to which I responded with “that would be nice”. However he never contacted me again and hence my reference to the Mary Celeste, he appears to have disappeared off the face of the earth. I am a little confused… I have considered a number of plausible reasons for his disappearance including abducted by aliens, memory loss and finally on a space mission. Maybe my response to his request for a third date was not encouraging enough and I should have sent a half-naked selfie to ensure persistence in the game of pursuing another.

Well the search continues hopefully not in vain. I now have a life jacket, parachute and swiss army knife as dating is very much a game of survival and you need to be prepared. Happy hunting to all of us in the same boat, searching for love, hopefully I shall not be sailing on the above two boats in my next dating adventure.

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Trade Description Act 1968

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Setting the scene a precis of the Trade Description Act 1968:

Applies a false trade description to any goods. For the purposes of this Act a trade description is an indication as to any one of a number of matters listed in the Act. These include: the quantity, size or gauge of goods; how they were made or processed; what they are made of; when they were made; their fitness for purpose; strength, performance, behaviour or accuracy and any other physical characteristics which they possess including information relating to testing or approvals.

I am of course the one on the left in the pictures : )

The selling of oneself is never an easy task. Ask yourself now if you were selling an item what ten words would you use to describe it?…..old, damaged, slightly worn not always functioning at its best. Who the hell would buy that, I am not sure I would accept it even if it was free. So this is where the false representations come in to play not only on a descriptive basis but also on a visual one.

So I am swiping on the basis of a picture and few words. Just on a secondary note women are not interested in the big fish you are holding or the flash car you are draped across.  So  the selling of your goods is where the problem starts, a picture of you ten years ago, description of height, weight and personality all doctored to provide an idealistic sense of oneself.  No one on these sites appear to have any flaws so the question is WHY are we all single if we are such a good catch. Do not get me wrong I am not completely honest the pictures of me are a true reflection, but I can be moody, down right stubborn and I look like something from Dawn of the Dead without my makeup. Do you think this is on my profile hell no I would be single forever.

Now my dating has resulted in me meeting a number of men who have breached the Trade Description Act. For example the man who listed himself as 5’11, dark hair, kind, humourous and loving. He could be my Clarke Kent, I’m excited about the date have taken a screen shot of his photo (for identification purposes) applied my lippy and ready to present my best side. I enter the Public House eyes scouting around for the dream man I have connected with on the internet. No sight, I feel a sense of trepidation did he change his mind?

Then out the corner of my eye I see a balding man of about 5’4 waving at me. At this point I have not connected the two that this could possibly be my date. He is approaching me and I am searching in my head for who this person is. He then introduces himself and the penny drops….well more like an anchor that grinds me to a halt. I am now striking a less attractive pose of rabbit in the headlights, unsure whether to remain frozen to the spot or make a run for it.

Now I am 5’2, I am not great at maths but this man was clearly not 5’11 . I was thankful I had not worn my heels or I would have been able to look at the top of his bald head. I am also at this point unsure where the dark hair went or the athletic build in the period of two weeks talking on the internet. Shallow as it is but I was disappointed but then I am sure he was also disappointed by now with my less than attractive facial expressions.

I am known by my family for complaining when something is not up to the expected standard, so I am not only a serial dater but also a serial complainer. Within the dating game there is no such recourse for poor descriptions of services or quality of goods. I am rather brash though and had to control my urge to whip out the picture and ask who this was?

The moral of the blog is please be yourself, if I had  a chance of dating Brad Pitt I would not be fishing on these sites. Represent yourself as you are I am a true believer in there is someone to love everyone.

 

To Dave or not to Dave..that is the question

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There appears to have been an influx of Dave’s on the dating sites. I’m assuming that David was a popular name in the 70s. Now my experience of Dave’s is a bit of a mixed bag. Within a matter of eight weeks I found myself dating three different Dave’s, obviously not all at the same time. However, on a positive note as a serial dater on the pursuit of happiness, choosing men with the same name can avoid confusion.
To help you lovely readers I shall therefore refer to them as Dave one, Dave two and finally Dave three.
Well what can I say about Dave one? he seemed quite a promising Dave, bringing flowers and wine (easily pleased). My initial thoughts were damn this is a good Dave. However this was not to last, I had not met my Prince. I had already kissed him and therefore the mistruths of the fairy tales left me bitterly disappointed and he remained a frog (rather slippery). Dave one lasted the total sum of three weeks.
I returned to the drawing board a.k.a. the dating site. As we all appear to have pseudonyms I started to talk to another rather attractive man. The exchange of names (real ones) came and yes it was Dave. Enter Dave two, meeting at a local public house I was pleased to see that Dave two did in fact look like his picture. The chat commenced and things appeared to be going well. Clearly it didn’t end well or I would have nothing to blog. Dave two started to describe a list of things he expected in a relationship. My thinking was this is a drink not a prenuptial meeting. I decided to be clear with Dave two, so my exact words were “I’m going to the toilet and then I’m leaving”. I find sometimes brutality is the only way forward rather than subjecting oneself to another disastrous date and wasting valuable time in which to find Dave number three. Dave two lasted approximately 45 minutes.
Finally we come to Dave three. This Dave was and is a nice Dave. Does this mean that I’m no longer a serial dater…HELL NO. We had two dates, Coffee and then a nice meal on date two. Then comes the dreaded kisses, Dave three leaned in and kissed me. One kiss led to four, this is known as the try before you buy process. It is a bit like when you are at the supermarket and you get offered a little morsel to sample……this is the kiss in the dating game. Unfortunately the earth did not move but Dave three did out the door. Dave three lasted six days.
So I am not advocating not dating Dave’s. For all you Dave’s out there I am sure you are lovely. It a bit like having the same dinner night after night so sorry Dave’s I have moved on to the letter E, Edwards, Elliot’s and Ethan’s feel free to drop me a line.

 

Hi would suffice!!!

Hi would suffice!!!

Single at forty!!!! Where do you go to meet a prospective partner? Have done pubs, clubs, and coffee shops and even resorted to looking around the supermarket. Didn’t find Mr Right in any of these places so I resorted to online dating and this is where the fun begins.

So we have become visual shoppers on the dating scene swipe right or left. Ok I can cope with that we get a match…….ping. Now this is where the fun starts who messages first and what do you say? My point being…….Hi will suffice, surely this is a common greeting when getting to know someone? It appears not, I have had lets meet for sex, do you want a submissive, and I would like to do bad things to you. Think the latter may constitute a criminal offence. However, my all-time favourite is where have you been all my life. Clearly if they had been out and about they would have met me in one of the many pubs, clubs, coffee shops or supermarkets.